Last week I turned 72 years young. I find that interesting because at age 52, I was declared dead. That conclusion came from a doctor, not a disappointed lover.
Also last week in Siquijor, I had a sometimes-painful talk with a close friend. Gord raised questions that led me to a startling conclusion. I’ve unsuccessfully tried to control everything and everybody throughout my life. I’ve attempted the impossible, and in the process created a self- imposed prison. I’m still in shock over the revelation. I found myself walking aimlessly while shaking my head in discomfort and disgust.
I used say the reason why I never worked as an employee was because I was unwilling to accept BS from anyone. I was arrogantly proud of that position. It appealed to my sense of manliness, of independence.
While most men followed like sheep, I chose to be free, regardless of the price I was required to pay. I believed I got paid exactly what I was worth because I always worked on a commission or fee basis. If I failed to do business, there would be no food on the table at home.
I’ve always refused to work with people I didn’t respect. One example was a private equity firm in San Francisco. The partners were absurdly neurotic. While the monthly commissions would have provided much needed income of US $4,000 monthly to support my young family, I unhesitantly walked away.
It’s embarrassing to admit I still remember the excitement prompted by my ego as I proudly marched from the boardroom as the partners sat speechless.
When creating my life plan, what I failed to see was that I’d subjugated myself to an unworkable theory. Instead of creating a path to freedom, I’d created a painful blueprint for my life.
Even if I’d successfully covered all the angles, there were, and always would be, other elements beyond my control that could derail my desired outcomes.
Have you ever examined an experience in your life when you got what you thought you wanted, were excited about it, only to discover later on that outcome had been bad for you?
I have experienced that on several occasions. What did that teach me? I learned to be cautious of judging any outcomes. I’ve belatedly learned to ignore expectations of outcome I felt would be good for me. I simply never know.
I used to strongly object when people claimed pain was necessary for spiritual growth. I found that statement offensive, perverse, and masochistic.
Time has educated me to realize that for me, that statement is now true. It’s moments of darkness and of intense physical and emotional pain that have provided me with the learning blocks necessary to live a decent and honorable life. But I still need more time before I’m capable to arriving at that elusive destination.
Like several expats living here in Negros Oriental, I’ve been given a wonderful chance to make this final part of my life a success in the area of relationships.
But I recently came close to destroying those opportunities. I never realized why I had so many issues with my lady. Like me, she’s far from perfect so I’m not going to whitewash aspects of her behavior that are unacceptable to me.
But more importantly, I’ve painfully realized many of the problems came down to cultural differences, and more importantly, her failure to behave as I wanted her to, not as she has done or ever will.
Demands from me to change her behavior landed on deaf ears, while also dooming our relationship to any possibility of survival, let alone prospering.
The arrogance and ignorance of my belief system haunts me. It was only the recent realization of my misguided need to control people and life in general that has allowed me to find a possible solution to our problems.
She’s both unwilling and unable to change. That’s the way she is. Therefore, the only option is for me to change.
And I’ve finally accepted I want to do that.
That’s the key factor, not only needing to, but also wanting to take difficult action to destroy my negative lifetime habits.
I’m now aware of those challenges, and I welcome them. How’s that for an exciting birthday present?
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