NEW JERSEY, USA — I took the National Physical Therapy Exam five times, and failed it four times.
If you’ve never met/known anyone who took the PT exam here in the US that many times, hello, nice to meet you!
Society stigmatizes failure, and in the world of social media where only the best and perfect side of ourselves are posted, I really wanted to emphasize (for anyone who might need it) on the significance of the pain and the battles I had to go through to attain some measure of success. When all you see on social media are people’s pride and accomplishments, it’s really tough not to be hard on yourself.
Failing is tough. Failing a standardized exam multiple times is tough. Seeing that red X and that big FAILED sign crushes one’s spirit, and then we attach so many meanings/stories behind it. One can feel alienated, especially when you start comparing yourself to others. Your emotional, mental, and spiritual health will be on the line. You start doubting yourself. You begin to question the significance of almost anything, and you just want to hide from everything. Sadness, shame, guilt begin to accompany you almost everyday.
But that is okay and perfectly normal. Hang in there! Acknowledge them, and embrace those emotions. Just know that you can actually move forward.
One of the greatest gifts in life is the gift of choice. You have a choice to ask for help, and allow yourself to receive help.
That was the first step for me. I messaged people whom I could trust for advice. I took several classes, and met people who were on the same boat. I met wonderful people who had so much love and support to share. They became my life-lines.
I allowed myself to receive all of their acts of kindnesses and solace, and it was beautiful. Reaching out to others for help really helped set a growth-mindset environment for me, not a toxic-positivity mindset.
Stanford Prof. Carol Dweck described it well: “People who believe that their success depends on time and effort. People with the growth mindset feel their skills and intelligence can be improved with effort and persistence. They embrace challenges, persist through obstacles, learn from criticism, and seek out inspiration in others’ success.”
I have to admit that on my first and second attempt at the exam, I had a very fixed mindset. I passed the Philippine board exam; I know people who passed the NPTE on their first attempt, I know people who studied on their own, and people have told me it’s easier than the PH board exam. (By the way, I’m very proud of all of them. They handily beat the challenge. Their insights and advice and encouragement were invaluable).
My fixed mindset belief was that if others can do it, I can do it that way, too! Obviously, it didn’t work for me, and so I really had to put the pride away, admit to myself that I was missing something, and ask for help: What could I be doing wrong? How can I move forward? How do I better myself? How do I work through this anxiety?
Once I adapted that attitude of learning, my score kept getting better and better, making me realize that finally, I could be on the right track.
In my struggle of passing the National PT exam, a certain memory kept showing up in my head. I don’t remember my parents saying it many times as I was growing up but somehow my brain, probably scrambling to protect/help me from crashing, dug up that particular memory. In one of our Family Times, my parents would say: “EQ is always better than IQ. Work on your EQ, and you will survive in life”.
Work on your Emotional Quotient, and you will survive in life — that’s what I live by now.
Just as people say, “Only you can define your success”, I also say, “Only you can define your failures, and what that whole experience means for you.”
Yes, I failed a standardized exam four times, but I thank God for giving me the time to slow down, to learn more about myself, my triggers, my coping mechanisms. I thank God for the gift of yoga and meditation which have helped me regulate my nervous system. I have learned to appreciate the small things — learning a new recipe, going for a walk in my neighborhood, learning from TED Talks, listening to good music, petting my cat. I have learned to value genuine connections and relationships even more. I have made myself available whenever I could for people who needed a kind word, or to vent, or to catch up to the best of my emotional capability. I invested in art (which, okay fine, have made me broke, but happy). I bought books to actually read, and a balance board to occupy my down time.
My goodness, looking back the past four or five years, I have learned so much! Yes, I failed the national exam multiple times but I know that the resiliency and strength I’ve gained from the failures will help me in my future endeavors.
I finally passed the national PT exam here in the US but my greatest achievement was learning to stand up when life hit me hard to the ground. I believe I have grown so much that I can’t even wait to see what the future holds for a newly-minted licensed physical therapist.
Success is never accomplished alone. I am grateful to the people who made this possible: my husband Claude who’s the only one who has truly experienced my breakdowns. Thank you for tolerating my failures but always encouraging me to keep trying. I can’t thank God enough for giving me the best partner in life. I wouldn’t have achieved this without your love, patience, and support. This is our success.
To my family and friends who were there fail mark after fail mark, listening to my rants without judgment, boosting my confidence, and helping me pick up the pieces when I thought I couldn’t anymore.
To Silliman University and SUPT for instilling in me the 5 Cs: classroom, church, court, culture, and community. Maybe I didn’t do so well in the classroom, but I thank God for the other Cs that continue to be integral in my life.
To God, upon whom I cast all my cares and burdens. I see and feel the Lord in the way my husband cares for me, in the way my parents support me, in the way my friends and family checked up on me, in the way my classmates encouraged me, in the way my mentors in Final Frontier (Dr. Singh and especially my teacher Amreen) gave so much of their time and effort. I realize that was God’s love in the works.
If you have failed any major exam for that matter, or you are in a journey to passing it, know you are not alone. Do not let a test score define who you are. Reach out to a mentor or to someone you can trust.
Failures in life are inevitable. Learn to embrace it, and all the lessons that come along with it. Keep showing up for yourself, build inner strength, have a healthy support system, be a support system. We all need each other.
Dorothy Jane Cediño-Pal
Physical Therapist, PTRP
