This is, of course, an exercise in speculation and personal observation. But I’ve been right before.
A couple I know, after about 15 years of being in a relationship, since we were all in high school, just got married. When the news made the rounds on Facebook, I was surprised and somewhat inspired. I hadn’t really thought of them much since graduation, and I couldn’t even believe that they were still together. And then I realized that of all the boyfriends and girlfriends that there were in my high school, they were actually the only ones that made it all the way through to marriage.
So, it provoked a bit of a thought storm. I have this running theory that high school relationships have a failure rate of about 95%, college relationships 50%, and post-college relationships 30%. Just try to count how many couples you know who started out from high school (or earlier?), college, and afterwards who are still together today. I really don’t think my estimate can be that far off.
The short explanation is that the younger a person is, the less capable he or she can appreciate love and identity. Love is quite demanding, not just emotionally, but also mentally. But the emphasis of today’s kids when it comes to love seems to be the idea (and social media value) of being in love, not so much what it means to actually be loving towards someone.
It’s the difference between approaching love as a noun and as a verb: the former being more abstract, and the latter more concrete. Where love is happiness, loving is hard work. Love might be pleasure, but loving is being responsible for the good of the other person. Love is purpose, but loving is sacrificing, losing yourself for the other person’s gain. Unfortunately, kids are notoriously bad at the verb part, and then spend an inordinate amount of their time (and of their friends) wondering why their relationships had to end.
Moreover, people change. Identities are never static. Who you are at 16 will not be the same person that you are at 20. And that person at 20 will not be the same person as at 27. Events happen, sometimes beyond control, notice, or foresight, that nudge us ever farther from who we used to be. That is why some couples break up feeling like the person that they are with is no longer the same person when they first started dating: because it’s true.
And no one has more changing to do than the young. It is always fascinating to see how people and friends change through the years. We all know people who were shy and timid in high school but who are now flight attendants and politicians. People change appearance and interests. Even former bad boys have grown to become priests and pastors. Tragically (or fortunately, perhaps, for some), it is at these points of change that many relationships die, because then we realize we now want something or someone else to fit our newfound outlook or direction in life.
I didn’t get to talk with the high school couple who recently got married after 15 years. I would have wanted to hear from them directly how they managed it all. But from what I can glean and observe, albeit from a distance, is that they seem to have been contented with one another from the start, and have purposely aligned their decisions for the future with each other in mind. I will make more chika as I learn more.
Of course, I’m not saying don’t be in a relationship if you’re very young. What I am saying is that it probably won’t be your last one. So, tread lightly.
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Author’s email: micahdagaerag@outlook.com
