So you’ve finally arrived in Paradise, with its cool, tropical breeze, palm trees gently swaying, and a relaxed atmosphere you’ve never experienced until now.
And the women! OMG, the endless parade of lovelies.They stagger you with their astonishing beauty and effortless sensuality. You’re understandably propelled into a state of giddy consternation. You’re defenseless against the upcoming onslaught.
Please note this article is not intended in any way to be disrespectful to Pinays in general. There are examples of long-term, loving commitments from uncalculating Pinays. There are examples of little initial affection, but over time, relationships developed into a form of pure love. There are also many successes that began when the couple first met and years later, they remained happily committed to each other.
Some Pinays, and possibly Pinays and expats, may be offended by the content of this article. If you are one, please ask yourself why.
As a former attorney, I’ve always believed truth to be a bulletproof defense against criticism.
And so it is here. Unless you can provide evidence of any untruths, don’t complain about this article, or me. I’m merely an observer of Philippine society, nothing more, nothing less. In this time of brutal, worldwide censorship because of people being “offended” by anything and everything, please distinguish yourself by rising above conventional conditioning.
However, I’ve digressed. Eventually, one calculating beauty will fix her crafty eyes in your direction, and lure you into her lair. She seems to find you attractive, to want you, despite the fact you border on obesity, haven’t successfully looked down and seen your feet in over-30 years, and take numerous pills daily to temporarily placate your medical issues. After shuffling along Rizal Boulevard for even a hundred yards, you huff and puff like a whale blowing water, while your wrinkled ass that resembles craters on the moon, wobbles and bobbles as it pushes like bloated blubber against your coffee-stained pants.
How could this adorable Pinay love you when, considering your revolting appearance and low energy level, a sense of humor and discussions about current events she can’t begin to understand? And despite overloading on Viagra, your sexual performance is as inadequate as it is brief. It will never begin to satisfy her frenzied, sexual energy.
Go on, scratch your head, and ask yourself what’s really going on. Let me give you a hint: If you thought she was enthusiastically eyeing the bulge in your pants, her gaze wandered at the thickness of your wallet, not to any dangling body part.
Your Pinay will love you until the moment you die, but after that, some expats are literally thrown away. Only yesterday, an expat told me an interesting story about another American. His was a tall, imposing presence. I used to occasionally hear him pontificating his unqualified, CoViD-19 views over at Tom’nToms, claiming that C19 didn’t exist. “It’s all a goddamned, political con job!,” he’d roar at anyone willing, or unwilling, to hear. He recently died after contracting the mythical virus.
His Pinay wife, aided by her family, immediately put his body in a cardboard box then, close to dusk, dumped him in a remote part of a cemetery where today his smelly carcass rots.
After checking next morning to make sure there wasn’t any unwelcome movement in the graveyard, the grieving widow and her family charged into the attorney’s office in Dumaguete demanding the Last Will be read to them, while also discussing its fastest possible disposition.
Your Pinay, after first making sure there are no rivals, such as issues (read, children) from a previous marriage, will quietly insist that a Will be drawn up that exclusively favors her. Many eyes will eventually read that important document. They will include your Beauty’s immediate and extended family. If property is involved, because the expat does not usually know of any prudent strategies, his wife owns the lot, and the property built on it.
But there’s more, much more. She has many mouths to support, therefore, the amount of the inheritance is relevant. After all, you’re a foreigner, a Westerner, therefore, incorrectly assumed always to be wealthy.
Blinded by her adoration, why would you, the vulnerable expat, not rush like Icarus to the sun’s flames? You smile happily as you make her ‘sole beneficiary’.
And why wouldn’t you? You’ve experienced a lifetime of unhappiness from failed marriages, suffered unmeasurable pain from other degrading relationships. Suddenly, here you are with countless beauties fiercely wanting you. Yep, it’s a heady experience that all expats must happily deal with.
And who could blame you from wanting to enjoy a reasonable level of contentment in your final years of life? Unfortunately, as John Lennon wrote, “Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding what you see.”
Now let’s talk about more reality. I don’t want to burst your bubble. Actually, I do.
Being one of many expats who’ve made romantic mistakes, I’d like to help you avoid our errors. While some of us are finally in successful, long-term, loving relationships, none of it came easily.
Unless you understand the challenges, and possible solutions, you’re doomed to heartache, financial distress, and possibly, financial disaster. Please note that’s not an unwarranted exaggeration.
So apart from awkwardly shuffling along the boulevard or Robinsons mall, where else might you find an appropriate Pinay to complete your life? That all depends on your financial position, and what other attributes you bring to the bargaining table.
I recently heard a Pinay whose already in a “committed“ long-term relationship say, “Give me a man with unlimited money, and I’ll make him my new God.” She claimed it was a joke. It wasn’t.
Fortunately, the bar is not set high. Your many options come from those unfortunates who, through no fault of theirs, were born into families with zero financial means, with no ambition in life other than “not to go to bed hungry”.
I’ve immense respect for these ladies who selflessly sacrifice themselves for their families on the altar of necessity. Theirs is usually a selfless and noble call to duty.
There’s also a relatively small, middle class of well-educated women who you could meet socially but more probably, online. Their motivations would have little financial elements as they are economically-solid, as you must also be. These are educated, professional women or business owners looking for a genuine relationship based on mutual respect between two people who are financially- secure and have much in common.
Unlike others less- fortunate, these Pinays were born into families with sufficient resources to support their children in education to whatever level they aspire, or assist them with business opportunities.
Expat romances with these more-respectful, equitably- balanced relationships are usually, if not always, successful.
There are even fewer options available at the next level. Unless you come from royalty, preferably Spanish, the upper class of society, the “families” in the Philippines, will have nothing to do with you. They are intent on keeping their blood lines pure. They will not allow contamination from questionable, foreign blood.
Exceptions may be found among families who used to be financially-powerful but remain socially-prominent despite their material wealth being squandered by prior business ineptitude or over- indulgence by the sons.
Regardless, they continue to preen like peacocks with gloriously colorful feathers extended wide as they silently proclaim their family name which protects their patrician noses from the stench of the plebs.
I’m reminded of the Bard’s statement that “misery doth make for strange bedfellows.”
And so, providing you adequately fit their required profile, and after you’ve made a significant capital contribution to the family coffers, they may provide you with one of their beautiful, well-bred, well-educated, well-connected daughters.
Theoretically, the marriage creates an acceptance of you into their circle. But the truth is, you will always remain an outsider.
Please note the need to be cautious when dealing with the “upper classes” of Philippine society. They can be dangerous because of their boiling resentments over the family fortune having been squandered.
I once met one of these angry men. The hot room temperature dramatically dropped the moment he entered. Icicles formed on the ceiling. I experienced fear. This man was evil personified. So, exercise caution, watch your back. Perhaps hire an experienced food and wine taster.
I’ve more respect for Pinays who are perhaps inaccurately referenced as the “lowest” strata of Philippine society. They have greater character because of their selfless devotion to their families. They sacrifice themselves on the altar of family necessity to serve old, creaking, often foul-smelling foreigners who bring them little, perhaps no, joy in life. These frowned-on Pinays are, for me, mostly noble individuals.
So, welcome to your island adventure! Be sure to occasionally pause and test the wind. Remember, you’ve only a few years left in your life. Use them wisely. Focus on living in the moment. Carpe diem! Live for today while dismissing any negative past memories. They’re just a form of self-pity.
Don’t even think about tomorrow because one morning it won’t come, and you’ll be gone.
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Author’s email: [email protected]
