OpinionsEcon 101Grieving for Atty. Ray Moncada

Grieving for Atty. Ray Moncada

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Atty. Ray Moncada succumbed to his fatal wounds, and is now laid to rest.

Ray Moncada was a lawyer by profession, yet, one would not find the stereoptypical “identifying characteristics” of members of the legal profession. He always seemed to go about his ways in an anonymous manner, not wanting public attention. He was a very unassuming man, devoted to his immediate and extended family, relatives, and friends.

His death was sudden, a result of the riding-in-tandem perpetrators, evil men who committed violence right at his doorstep.

What kind of society are we living in? How many more deaths would it take for the responsible government officials and the community to band together and do something?

Many of the mourners who came to console hugged and told the family kind words that were supposed to make them feel better. “It was God’s will.” Or “It will all be better in time.” ”Justice will be attained.” And “Ray is in a better place now.”

But we all know that none of those statements could really make the deep pain in their hearts go away, but somehow ease their coping, and sense of great tragic loss.

At this tragedy of losing someone who was loved deeply, each family member is reacting with shock and disbelief; meanwhile being truly grateful for all those who are giving comfort, prayers, and practical assistance.

David Kessler and Elisabeth Kí¼bler-Ross (On Grief and Grieving) identified five stages as part of the framework that makes up for our learning to live with the one we just lost: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

When in denial, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if ever we can go on, and why we should go on. We try to find ways to simply get through each day.

Anger follows: the more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate; the more you heal, the truth is that anger has no limits.

Admittedly, before a loss, it seems like you would do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God, ” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my spouse/father again if you’ll just let him live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of “What if I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?” We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored.

This is followed by empty feelings; this depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It is the appropriate response to a great loss.

When accepting the new reality, we realize that our loved one is physically gone, and recognize the new permanent reality. We will never like this reality, or make it okay but eventually, we do accept it — with prayers and trust in the wisdom of God as an anchor in this stormy stage of the family’s journey.

Reflect on these words: “Grief can destroy you — or focus you. You can decide that a relationship was all-for-nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone.

Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it.

But when it’s over, and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing the floor or washing dishes together, or worrying over a high electric bill.

It was everything, it was the why of life, every event, and precious moment of it.

The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss.

And the ache is always there, but one day, not the emptiness because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it is to disrespect the gift of life.” (Dean Koontz, Odd Hours).

May you rest in peace, Uncle Ray!

__________________________________

Author’s email: [email protected]

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