MIDLAND, TEXAS — God definitely knows how to mend a broken heart and a broken soul, and I say that with full confidence. But it was not that easy to grasp that truth when I went through a disheartening phase in my life. My friends can say I am one happy and carefree person but that side of me was buried in the dumps when I actually left home to be where God wanted me to be.
My faith was molded in the early years of my life at Silliman Church. My family and I did not originally go to SU Church but after I sang in the choir in one of the services there when I was in first grade, I eventually learned to love it right away. I think it was mostly because of the Sunday School classes that were held at Silliman Church that made us stay.
However, it was not until in high school when I finally accepted Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior of my life. Since then, I committed myself to serving Him in any way that I could- from singing in the choir, to teaching younger kids, to going to camps. It was there where I met a lot of my lifelong friends, and in a short period of time, they eventually became my second family.
After my family moved here in the States and I was on my own, I would spend most of my time attending Bible studies, doing one-to-one devotions with my ates and kuyas, leading devotions, training the younger ones on how to properly lead the youth group, singing in the church band. I enjoyed what I did, and I really loved doing what I was doing since it was my way of giving back to God for everything He has done for me.
I committed my life to doing all these, and that is why it was difficult for me when I left the Philippines for good. The pain never hit me that bad until I found myself searching for the person I was at the Silliman campus, before I came to join my family in the States for good. It was a slow and steady burn.
Life for me here has been different over the past two years; I never thought I would undergo so much pain to the point of wanting to hide from the world, and just succumb to the thought that I probably deserved all the hardships in life. That what I was going through was a punishment for the times I failed God in my life.
I would ask God: Why did You bring me here? I was doing pretty well in the Philippines with my friends. I had my life figured out back home. I would have gone straight to medical school after taking the board exam. This is not the life I would have wanted for myself. Why did You allow such painful things to happen in my life.
I would find myself crying a lot of times back in Minnesota. Sometimes I just slept it out all day until my family came home. I did not even realize I was not eating much anymore because I would rather just sleep than stay awake and be reminded of my misery.
However, I knew in my heart God wanted me to wait. He wanted me to be patient while I waited for my certification as a clinical lab scientist, a job, and most of all, He wanted me to be patient as I waited to find a church I could call my own.
I was reminded of those people in the Bible like Jonah, Abraham, Esther, Moses, and many others when God called them out singly to do what He wanted them to do. They were led out from their comfort zones to be where God wanted them to be, and because of that obedience, God blessed their lives amidst the pain.
And that is one fascinating truth that God wants us to learn. Sometimes, God uproots us from where we are because He wants us to grow our faith in Him. He wants us to learn how to trust in Him. He wants us to obey His calling for us in our lives because sometimes, when we get too comfortable, we have the tendency to forget that God is out there. We tend to rely on our own capabilities, instead of His strength.
God had different plans for me, and those entailed having to break and strip off a lot of things I was holding on to. Slowly at first, until I was grasping for dear life. In Minnesota, I would wake up to an empty house as my younger sisters would be in school, or my nurse-parents at work.
Then I found a full time job as a server in a nursing care facility, and for me, that was a blessing. I worked full time, while I was also studying for my licensure exams. I would report to work early morning, and get home at night, and review for my exam until the wee hours. I was at the point of burnout. I always prayed to God for strength.
One time, I though I was losing it, and found myself crying at work because that was not the life I wanted for myself. I know the job was a blessing but I couldn’t help compare my life with the life my classmates had after they passed the Medical Technology board exam, or the classmates who pursued med school.
I was thinking to myself I did not go through Med Tech to become a server, but listening to myself now, I realize that I was being selfish and proud. Now, don’t get me wrong; I loved my job as a server. I enjoyed touching the lives of the elderly, but life there was a little too depressing for me. You see old people being abandoned. You see them crying, and the next day, you learn they had passed away. I knew I had to be strong for them. I wanted to make them happy. I wanted to make them know that they are loved but it drained me until there was a little left for me and my family.
I was starting to feel stuck at that kind of work, or at home. I dreaded being left home alone with just my thoughts keeping me company.
But in my heart I knew God was there, although it seemed like His word could not penetrate my heart, like there was a barrier that I simply needed to break down but could not.
Then I also realized why. I had not found my church there. I had become used to finding myself getting stuck in church the whole day listening to God’s Word, and offering my services to the church, like I was doing at Silliman Church. I yearned for more. I was hungry and thirsty for Christ. I wanted to go deeper, and I missed the feeling of being mentored by an ate or kuya. I missed sharin what I learned to my younger brothers and sisters in Christ.
Amidst it all, God still blessed me by helping me when I was taking my licensure exams. I knew it was all His doing and not mine. With every pain I had to go through, the only thing that I never stopped doing was to pray to God.
What was I praying for? I prayed that God will lead me to a place where I can find a job, find a church, find friends, and find myself. It was a constant prayer in my heart.
Then one day, I got a call from one of the hospitals; I got interviewed and got the job. The only catch, I would be away from my family in Minnesota; but I felt an indescribable peace in my heart. A peace that I knew then only God can give.
Minnesota has its literal green pastures but it felt like I was in a desert there. Here in Texas is a literal desert but it feels like another home away from home. God has provided me with everything I prayed for, and even more.
That season of waiting was painful but it can never compare to the joy that I am going through right now. It takes obedience, trust, and a whole lot of faith. God brought me to my Canaan, and I am beyond grateful for everything He has done in my life.
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Silliman Church is collating stories of faith by members of the congregation, in time for its centennial celebration in August 2016. Please email your stories to irmafaithpal@gmail.com
