I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh at the absurdity of the situation, or cry for one or both of them. What I was witnessing was not unusual, but still painful to observe.
I was having lunch in a Cebu restaurant when he walked in. A well-dressed, pleasant-looking man in his early 70s. He told the waitress, with I thought an element of pride, that his wife would soon be joining him. He quietly sat at a table near me. Shortly after, an attractive, but definitely not beautiful, woman walled into the restaurant, and sat with him. He told her how lovely she looked. She thanked him.
Good, so far, but it quickly went downhill. She handed him legal documents. I wondered what they were. He unquestioningly signed, then began talking. I couldn’t hear the specifics but judging from her body language, her arms defensively-folded, a bored expression on her face, an aura that darkened by the second, I began to feel sorry first for him, then for both.
He continued to look fondly at her while she completely ignored him. She interrupted him in mid sentence to ask a waitress what flavors of Italian ice cream were available. He continued to ramble on while occasionally repeating himself. She yawned, so terribly bored. It was all tedious to her. Hopefully, he would soon die.
As I was leaving, we made eye contact. She rolled her eyes to the ceiling, uncaring that her husband could see her.
Perhaps he had already resigned himself to the inevitable, to accept what was, rather than what might have been. How sad it all was.
Their image repeatedly came back to me over the following days. I wondered how many foreigner and Pinay couples in the Philippines lived together unhappily, with the man being unaware of her unhappiness, or perhaps unconsciously denying it.
How many Pinays are impatiently waiting for their foreigner to die so they can inherit his financial assets?
You may think I’m being painfully cynical. While enthusiastically applauding genuinely happy relationships, I believe I’m simply stating reality.
In the past year, I’ve observed an increasing number of foreigners from Manila to Dumaguete walking with lovely Pinays, most of them young enough to be their daughter.
Many of these men, including me, come from America or Europe, after experiencing unhealthy relationships and painful divorces.
We are easy prey for calculating Pinays who intuitively understand how the game is played.
After suffering the slings and arrows of poisoned relationships with angry, bitter, wrinkled old hags in America and elsewhere, it’s almost impossible not to be seduced by the welcoming charms of beautiful Pinay women, most of whom are under 30.
Any foreigner entering the arena needs to be cautious. Calculating scammers are waiting in every barangay, hiding behind alluring smiles to take what they can.
And why shouldn’t they? If naive foreigners allow themselves to be parted from their money, they get no sympathy from me. I’ve been scammed in the past, and deservedly so.
I enjoy observing couples. I’ve developed it into something of an art form. It’s now possible for me to estimate how long they’ve been together, and how healthy the relationship is.
All one needs to do is observe the playful interaction, or the complete absence of it. Their body language draws back a curtain into their lives, revealing their story in stark reality.
Early stage relationships see the woman laughing enthusiastically with head tilted, coquettishly hanging on every word from the foreigner, as she delights in his wit and wisdom.
Fast forward the tape, and most couples will sit in silence, shrouded in unspoken thoughts. Perhaps that’s the way it is with couples worldwide, but it’s the distinctive difference in age and the unspoken agenda of both parties that differentiate foreigner and Pinay relationships.
It’s also what makes them challenging, but also so rewarding when it does work.
The following is an example of one that didn’t. An Irish man I know paid P15 million for a house so that he, his girlfriend, and her children could live together in comfort. Initially, everything was cosy, light-hearted, and loving. Then she began to suggest, at first lightly, but with increasing persistence, that they should marry. Being in his early 70s, he saw no point. But she saw a minimum of 15 million reasons why they should.
When I recently met him, he told me the marriage relationship was over. It seems a lot can happen in one year. His wife was allowing him to remain in a room at her home, provided he kept his distance and behaved himself. He will soon return to Ireland to live out his remaining days. There will be no divorce.
Obviously, it’s important for any foreigner embarking on a long-term romantic relationship in the Philippines to be realistic.
Were this happening in Europe or America, an old man involved with a beautiful young foreign woman would be laughed at.
But dynamics and societal realities are different here. The expression in the Philippines that age is just a number is not simply a device to mask unreality. It contains a certain truth, and allows for relationships to flourish.
There are many solid, respectful unions, some formal, others not, where harmony and mutual respect prevail. By any international measurement, they are successful.
I entered into my relationship with Vhie with eyes mostly wide open. Life has taught me to be cynical. I’ve experienced many women but never before have I loved one. It would be accurate to call me shallow, selfish, and superficial.
But what if Vhie doesn’t love me? Would that actually matter to me? Not at all. She and Sunshine make me happy. They fulfill me in subtle, delicate ways I’ve never imagined possible. Nothing else matters. So it wouldn’t disturb me the slightest to discover her love is an illusion. I’m happy and fulfilled. Vhie and Sunshine also seem to be happy.
And after I’m dead, and become a fading memory in Vhie’s consciousness, I want her to meet a good man, and have her love him well and fiercely, as I believe she did me. To want anything less for her would be extreme selfishness.
Was I perhaps afraid of loving and being loved in return? I don’t know about the past, but I am now. It’s an enormous responsibility, especially with a child involved.
Will I eventually mess it up? Possibly, probably, definitely not. I haven’t a clue, but all will be revealed in the fullness of time.
Shame on me if I disappoint these two spirits who have honored me with their love. If I fail them, then I deserve, after my death, to eternally wander the universe cloaked in loneliness.
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Author’s email: irishauthormichaelcassidy@gmail.com
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