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The never-ending battle with the bulge

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What is it that women of every age, race, and creed continue to obsess on? What topic would we invariably talk about whenever we’d get together? What has caused, and is continuing to cause us women endless frustration and dissatisfaction the world over? What have we been battling, and kept losing to over and over again?

A woman reading this would have guessed already. Yes, it’s our figure, or more specifically, our loss of figure.

Yeah, I know — sad, isn’t it? We continually lament over our bulges … you know, that thingy that we’d see right away when we look down? Yes, that thingy — also the culprit behind those rolling undies. They really do stand out, do they? No amount of inhaling on our part could keep those tummies in.

The bulges are not that bad though. They can be a source of great amusement, but only if you have an irreverent kid like mine. My brat loves to jiggle it, and watch it move about like jelly. That never fails to bring out peals of laughter … joyful laughter from her. Mine was more of the agonized kind. (sigh!)

And did you know that we also have the much sought-after, macho male must-have six- pack? Ahh! And you thought that it’s only Taylor Lautner (Jacob of the Twilight saga) and his kind who have those! How wrong could you be?

Heavily-endowed ladies like yours truly have those, too, and more! But ours got misplaced. Somewhere along the way to our abs, our six-pack changed course, and found its way into our backs. If you are one of those who now looks at your image in the mirror with increasing dismay, do this at home: put on a tight brassiere and a close-fitting shirt — then look at your back. You won’t miss them.

But whether it’s the bulge or the six-pack, our battle boils down to one thing: weight gain. This is a curse that most of us are born with. We only get to enjoy our slimmer selves for a short while. After the babies start coming, off to heavyville most of us go.

Weight gain almost always comes with motherhood and age. It is as inevitable as the onset of wrinkles and the white hairs. But there are those of us who hasten this process because of our passion for all the sinful food out there!

Oh! If only there is fairness in this world, the vegetables and the fish would be the definite no-nos! Then we’d get to tell our children … “No, you cannot eat vegetables … they are baaaad for your health!” Wouldn’t that be great? Then children would joyfully eat “healthy” food.

I have been working out in the gym these past five weeks because I finally admitted that dieting alone wouldn’t get me where I want to be. I recently ballooned to almost 180 lbs. after I’ve had another pregnancy.

In an effort to keep our baby from being lost, I had to take prednisone among other medications. The steroids, plus my mandatory bedrest, and all the yummylicious food I could demand from my very attentive and compliant husband all contributed into making me the female version of the sumo wrestler.

My yo-yo dieting actually helped me lose around 10 lbs at a time, but I gained back about half of them in a matter of weeks because I didn’t do any exercise. So raised the white flag I did. I dragged myself into the gym, and with a heavy heart, I joined in.

And so, as I agonized over the aches and the pains that come along with the gym scene, and as I counted off the repetitions for the weights that got heavier by the second, my mind would wonder off somewhere, and dream about a parallel universe where chewing is the only exercise that we needed to do.

And if we wanted to go the extra mile, we could actually add to our exercise routine using only our thumbs as we press the buttons in the remote control. Yes, my like-minded sisters, in my parallel world, the best exercise there is, is lying on the bed comfortably propped up by pillows as we face the TV while munching on fat-burning lechon skin.

Yes, if only the world were fair. But back to reality I must return. My fantasies made me lose count….How many leg raises have I done already, by the way?

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