It is exactly one year and two months that my civil status was changed to “Widow.” I lost my husband of 59 years, to cancer last year. It was difficult at first…I cried in secret, forced myself to eat, had difficulty sleeping but tried to carry on with my life. I also had difficulty sleeping, so I took melatonin for a while (now I am taking camomile tea at night).
Our family is an extended one, with two of my daughters and their children who had been living with us before and even until now (with a house help and seven dogs)! I am blessed indeed by their presence! After my husband died, I asked for a companion to be with me in my bedroom (it was my youngest daughter first and then one of my grandsons, David, who kept me company).
Somehow I was able to survive the sadness, loneliness and difficulty. Among the things which I want to share is the books which one of my daughters, Leah, downloaded in my I-pad.
Examples include: 100 Days of Actions and Intentions to Create the Life to Wish For by Susan Balogh, 2019; Grief Day by Day by Jan Werner; Surviving Widowhood; On Grief and Bereavement; Moving Forward …the Widow’s Journey; 365 Days of Grief and Comfort by Cortez Ranieri; and A Widow’s Guide to Coping with Grief by Fiona Bishop.
These books eased the pain and helped me through the first few months of my widowhood. One day, as I was reading 100 Days of Actions and Intentions, Day 52: Happiness is My Choice. It was as if the author was directly talking to me and so I told myself: “I choose happiness!” I also smiled to myself in the mirror and have been doing this everyday! I thought of my children and grandchildren and I also accepted God’s will in my life here on earth, i.e., that my husband died ahead of me.
The Widowhood Effect: This is a phenomenon in which older people who have lost a spouse have an increased risk of dying themselves. Research suggests that this risk is highest during the first three months following the death of a spouse.
A 2014 study which was published in the Journal of Public Health found that those people whose spouses had just died had a 66 percent increased chance of dying within the first three months following their spouse’s death.
Jan Tranen writes the five things which she found helpful in her journey through new widowhood: 1) Lean on a loyal friend or sibling; 2) Do what feels right. You will be invited to go out for lunch or dinner many times. If you are not comfortable going out yet, don’t go—do what feels right. If anyone tells you you’re doing it “wrong,” ignore them. And, most importantly, don’t tell yourself, you’re doing it wrong. There is no template for grief. Remember that sustained grief is normal after the death of a loved one; 3) Expect the roller coaster. There will be things and events which may act as triggers and may throw you to the grief hole. In my case, until now, I do not attend funerals nor go to wakes; 4) Volunteer; 5) Hang in there. You have to live for your family and others who are in your life.
Losing a spouse is always extremely traumatic and painful. In addition, there are countess hardships and issues to deal with. However, you have to deal with this reality: that you are alive and have to live this life through. Anchor your life in Him and ask for His blessings and protection as you navigate life without your spouse.
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Author’s email: nptayko@gmail.com
