Mas una pa ming ni abot ana iyang asawa sa iya kinabuhi. (We were friends even before he met his wife.) It’s a common selfish expression that I often hear from friends who proclaim themselves as ‘true friends’.
A couple of years ago after a hiatus from everything, I decided to just see old friends to catch up and hang out. While our catch up was going good, I noticed that one of our friends who was recently married unfortunately wasn’t able to show up.
One friend then commented, “Wala si [name] kay KJ man kaayo nang asawa ana gud!” (He can’t join us because his wife is such a ‘killjoy’!) I was naturally taken aback as I myself am married, and could one day find myself in that situation.
I believe that comments such as those usually come from adults who are single, and are not able to relate to circumstances of friends who are married, until they themselves commit such covenants before the Lord.
I thought of the insensitive comment, and did not hold back to explain: Now that our fiend is already married, it should be understandable that his priority would be his wife and their family.
No matter how long you have been friends, when that one friend commits himself/herself to marriage, then his/her marriage becomes topmost priority. There is no other commitment as important as that of marriage. All else becomes secondary. Luke 17: 1 says, “Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offenses will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come!”
Indeed, what sorrow awaits the person who does the tempting. Expecting your friends to choose your old friendship over marriage could only make them break the covenant by which they have made before the Lord.
And you play a huge part of that accountability before the Lord.
So the next time you think your friend’s wife or husband is being selfish, take a closer look at your own perspective, and perhaps put yourself in that situation, and ask yourself: If I were the one married, would I feel okay if I was guilt-tripped by my friends to choose them over my spouse and family? Or ask yourself: If they said that to my loving spouse, will I be okay with it?
Sometimes it is our own principles that need re-evaluating. We can never judge anyone until we are in their shoes.
And one certainly will never understand what it’s like to prioritize marriage until he/she becomes a spouse.
A genuine friendship will never pressure one to choose friends over another friend’s marriage.
So let us remember to choose friends who uphold our principles, and who support our marriage; and to be wary of those who only wish to influence us to do otherwise.
Our friends, you see, could either be a blessing or a curse. We need to choose friends who support our marriage.
Overtime, I have carefully thought of the kind of friends I want my marriage to be surrounded with. You might want to make the same considerations to help you realize whether your current friendships are worth keeping, or if it’s time to move on:
Friends who share similar values and beliefs about relationships and marriage. Life is already hard to put ourselves in a difficult situation wherein stepping in to tell the truth of the matter could be interpreted as interfering in their relationship, and keeping quiet will mean tolerating such behavior when we really just want to mind our own business. Choosing friends who uphold your beliefs will eliminate the danger of getting your principles distorted.
Friends who respect boundaries of your marriage, and refrain from those who attempt to invade the privacy of your relationship. Healthy friendships involve mutual respect for each other’s personal lives and decisions.
Friends who encourage open and honest communication within your marriage. Good friends will listen without judgment, and offer constructive advice when needed, helping you and your partner navigate challenges together.
Friends who have a positive influence on your marriage. Peer pressure is real. Sometimes we don’t realize it until damage is done. Positive friendships can inspire you to be a better partner, and provide a supportive environment for your relationship to thrive.
Friends who celebrate your relationship. I dont simply mean anniversaries but genuine friends who celebrate your togetherness, and find joy in seeing you as a couple in each other’s company; not the ones who tease you for being under the saya (hen-pecked husband with a domineering wife) when all you wanted was to choose quality time with your spouse and family over friends.
Friends who support both you and your partner individually, as well as your relationship as a couple. Healthy friendships involve building connections with both partners, and nurturing those relationships over time.
Healthy role models
Seek out friendships with couples who demonstrate healthy communication, mutual respect, and teamwork in their own marriages.
Surrounding yourself with positive relationship role models can inspire and strengthen your own marriage.
Quality over quantity
Focus on building deep and meaningful friendships rather than seeking a large number of acquaintances.
Quality friendships provide genuine support and understanding, which can positively impact your marriage.
Always remember that your covenants are between you, your partner, and Heavenly Father.
If you break these covenants for the sake of being obliged by your friends, then you are primarily accountable for it. By morally choosing friendships that support and enhance your marriage, you can create a strong network that contributes to the overall health and happiness of your relationship.
Remember to always prioritize the person whom you made covenants with. You are building the eternities with them, and not with other people.
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Author’s email: [email protected]
